They say hindsight is 20/20, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked back on situations and thought, If only I had known then what I know now. It’s a painful realization, especially when it comes to relationships—whether with a partner, a friend, or even family. Looking back, there were warning signs, glaring red flags waving right in front of me, but I either ignored them, justified them, or simply didn’t recognize them for what they were.
That’s why I’m writing this post. If I had been armed with the knowledge of what to watch for—what those subtle (or not-so-subtle) signs of trouble really meant—I might have saved myself years of heartache, trauma, and self-doubt. And if sharing my experience helps even one person recognize a red flag before they get too deep, then I’ll have accomplished exactly what I set out to do.
Let’s dive into the warning signs I wish I had seen sooner.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, communication, and gifts to create a sense of dependency.
In my case, he would text me all day while I was at work. At first, I enjoyed the attention, but if I didn’t respond immediately, he would get upset, accuse me of ignoring him, or suggest I was talking to someone else. Even after I explained that I was just busy, the cycle repeated daily. Since he was on medical leave and had a lot of downtime, I initially dismissed it as boredom. He also insisted on paying for everything—fuel, food, entry fees—knowing I was a struggling single mom.
While gestures like these aren’t necessarily love bombing on their own, when combined with controlling behavior and emotional pressure, they become red flags. It’s important to look at the big picture and recognize when generosity and attention are being used to manipulate rather than genuinely support you.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where a partner distorts reality to make the other person question their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. It can leave the victim doubting themselves and struggling to trust their own judgment.
In my case, I confronted him after confirming with another woman that he had been seeing her. Instead of admitting the truth, he twisted the situation, insisting that they had only talked and that, at the time, we weren’t “official,” so I had no right to be upset. Even though I knew what I had heard and seen, he was so convincing that I started to question my own reality.
Over time, gaslighting became a constant pattern in our relationship. Whenever I caught him cheating or attempting to cheat, he would twist the situation, manipulate my words, and somehow make it seem like his actions were my fault. He told me that if I was being a bitch, then I deserved to be punished. He repeated things so often and so convincingly that I started to question my own memory, doubting what I knew to be true.
Gaslighting isn’t just lying—it’s a calculated way to make someone doubt themselves, keeping them stuck in a cycle of confusion and self-blame.
Secretive behaviors in a relationship—like hiding messages, withholding information, or unexplained absences—can be major red flags. With social media playing such a big role in our lives, I think this is one of the most common issues in relationships today. It was certainly a huge problem in my marriage.
The first time I found messages between my husband and another woman, he didn’t even try to make an excuse—he just said he didn’t know why he was talking to her. But in those messages, he had made it clear to her that he didn’t want me to find out. At the time, I truly believed we were both happy, and even he claimed he was, yet he still sought attention elsewhere.
Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t leave. Part of it was financial—I had just moved in with him and didn’t want to go back to my parents’ house and feel like I had failed. But another part was my own insecurity. I had gained weight, and at 147 lbs., the heaviest I had ever been, I convinced myself that he was looking elsewhere because he no longer found me attractive.
The truth is, secretive behavior isn’t just about what they’re hiding—it’s about how it makes you feel, and no one deserves to be in a relationship that makes them doubt their worth.
Control issues in a relationship are major red flags, whether they come in the form of financial control, decision-making, or isolation from friends and family.
My marriage had all of the above. In the beginning, we had a healthy balance—I spent time with my friends, he spent time with his, and we often ended up together by the end of the night. But once I started catching him messing around, suddenly, I was the one being accused. If I made plans with a friend, he would get angry and pick a fight.
Then, after our first son was born with Kleefstra Syndrome, financial control became another layer of the problem. We had mutually decided I would stay home to care for our son, given his medical needs, frequent therapy sessions, and the cost of childcare.
But that choice quickly became a way for him to control me. I had to ask for every little thing—money for clothes, makeup, or anything personal. At first, he would say it was fine, but later, he would throw it in my face during arguments, making me feel guilty for needing anything for myself. We weren’t struggling financially, and I wasn’t reckless with spending, but he used money as a way to keep power over me.
Control isn’t always obvious at first—it can start with small things and build until you realize you no longer have the freedom to make decisions for yourself.
Walking on eggshells in a relationship is a major red flag, as it creates an environment of constant tension and fear.
In my experience, I had to carefully monitor every word and action, always second-guessing myself. Even something as simple as asking a question or making a suggestion became a minefield. His response of “Are you asking or are you telling?” was more than just words—it came with a tone that made me feel belittled and small. It was as though I was being treated like a child who needed to constantly be corrected.
I was always worried that if I said something the wrong way and pissed him off, he would retaliate by finding a new woman to talk to behind my back. When I tried to express how hurtful this was, it often led to bigger confrontations, making me feel trapped and unheard.
In the last couple of years of our marriage, there were so many red flags. I saw most of them and tried to address some, but it felt like things were slipping away. There was a growing lack of communication—a red flag—and emotional distance—a red flag.
I won’t put all the blame on him, though, because honestly, I was guilty of both at times. I’m the type of person who needs clarity and likes to talk things through, but sometimes I pushed too hard, too fast for someone like him, who tended to shut down immediately or needed time to process before addressing issues.
I tried to be understanding of that once I learned that some people need time, but even then, more often than not, he never came back to talk about what was important to me. He preferred to sweep everything under the rug and avoid taking responsibility for his words or actions. When I tried to explain why I needed to talk, he would get angry, sometimes refusing to speak to me at all, for days on end. He’d walk right past me like I didn’t exist, wouldn’t answer phone calls or texts. After years of all these unresolved issues building up, we felt more like roommates than husband and wife.
Lack of effort in a relationship is a major red flag, and for years, I found myself putting in all the work. I went to counseling multiple times with different therapists, even sought help from a doctor to address my mental health. I was convinced that I was the problem, that if I could just fix myself, he would stop seeking other women and start treating me better. I begged him to do marriage counseling with me or to get counseling himself.
He had been court-ordered to anger management and therapy at one point, and for a couple of years, things were somewhat better. Towards the very end, he agreed to marriage counseling, but it was short-lived. Each time the counselor pointed something out or asked him a tough question, he would get angry, leading to a blow-up or a return to zero communication.
What I eventually realized was that I was the only one truly putting in any effort, working on myself in hopes of fixing us. It took me years to come to terms with the painful truth—that no amount of effort on my part could save our marriage when he wasn’t willing to put in any effort of his own.
I ignored the red flags for so many reasons—denial, hope that he would change, fear of being alone, self-doubt, and the constant questioning of what would be best for my kids. I convinced myself that things could improve, and that by sticking it out, I could fix the problems. But in the end, I learned that ignoring those behaviors, not standing firm and accepting his disrespect, manipulation, and abusive actions, not only caused irreparable damage to our marriage but also to myself—mentally, physically, and emotionally. The years of abuse will likely take me a long time to recover from, and it’s a painful journey.
I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help others recognize red flags before they turn into something worse. I want you to have the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away if that person isn’t willing to acknowledge their toxic behavior and change. Listen to your gut, pay attention to patterns, and remember—everyone deserves love, respect, and safety. Leaving is incredibly hard; I won’t pretend otherwise. But staying in an unhealthy situation is even harder, and its effects can linger long after.
