When I made the decision to file for divorce, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Our relationship had been rough for a long time, and the thought of finally taking the step towards ending it felt like a relief at first. I was ready to move on, or so I thought. What I didn’t expect was the overwhelming feeling of grief that would soon take hold of me.
The days leading up to serving the divorce papers were a whirlwind of emotions. It felt like a roller coaster of highs and lows. Part of me felt proud. I had talked myself in and out of filing for so many years, but here I was, finally following through. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was taking control of my own life. It was a victory, but one that was laced with fear.
That fear was real and heavy. I had no idea how my husband would react. What if this turned into a battle? What if things got ugly? The uncertainty made my stomach twist in knots. On top of that, I was terrified about the future. How would I make it on my own? I have three kids, a handful of pets, and so much responsibility. How do I support them all without the stability I had come to rely on?
But the grief… that was the hardest part. I thought I would be relieved, maybe even excited to get out of a relationship that had become so toxic. Instead, I felt a deep sorrow. I wasn’t just losing a partner, I was losing the idea of a life I had built. This wasn’t just about the material things—though yes, I knew I would have to give up some comforts I had grown accustomed to. It was so much more. I was losing someone I thought would be my best friend for life. The father of my children. The person who had been by my side for so many years, through highs and lows. I had thought we would grow old together, and now that future was gone.
And then, there were my kids. The guilt I felt about how this would affect them was overwhelming. Was I sure this was the right choice, not just for me but for them too? What would their lives look like without the family unit they had known? Would they be okay?
It’s been a vicious cycle of knowing I’ve done everything I could to make the marriage work, but still constantly questioning if I’m doing the right thing. No matter how many reasons I had for ending the marriage, those lingering doubts kept creeping in.
What emotions have you experienced during a divorce that you didn’t expect? For me, it was this constant tension between relief, fear, and grief. The complexity of these emotions has been more than I could have anticipated, and I imagine it’s something many others going through this process can relate to. If you’ve gone through something similar, I’d love to hear about what unexpected feelings you encountered. Divorce isn’t just about separating from a partner, it’s about separating from a version of your life you once imagined, and that kind of loss can be difficult to navigate.
